This is a guest post written by my lovely and beautiful wife, Olivia Golding:
Ephesians 5:22-24 says: “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
It’s been almost a year since I’ve been in my role as a sweet ol’ church gal who’s known as the pastor’s wife. It also has been about a year since the idea of being a submissive wife has been either discussed, pondered upon, or even questioned- more often than ever. Some think it’s a given that I am submissive to my husband. Others think it’s the other way around- knowing my background. Well, let’s just say- both point toward the wrong direction. What’s with my background? I’m glad you asked. I met my husband while I was a higher ranking cadet. Since the beginning of time, you can say that I was “superior” to him in what was called “the man’s Army.” While it did not affect our relationship directly, it groomed the way I developed my ways of thinking in many ways deeper than I noticed.
Let’s take a look at my past for a moment. I was born into a family where my dad violently abused my mom, and not only that, he was the boss. Dinner was served to him first, nobody could get seconds until he got his, and he was the head of our household. I grew up thinking that was normal, however, I did not want that type of life for my future. So I grew up believing that having control or power over my spouse was the only way to happiness. Now fast forward to college- a scrawny little girl huffing and puffing before the physical training even started. I joined Army ROTC telling myself I wanted to be strong enough to fight back unlike my mom. That was the start of my “feminist” desire.
I wanted to be strong. Not any kind of strong, but strong like men.
So I worked on my physical, mental, and tactical fitness as if it was on me to make or break the stigma of being a woman. Every drop of sweat whispered to me this quote: “Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, ‘She doesn’t have what it takes’; They will say, ‘Women don’t have what it takes.”
My first step began with qualifying to attend the U.S. Army Airborne School. I remember receiving my blood wings as a paratrooper thinking anything was possible at this point. I went on to compete in marathons with a 50 lb ruck sack because men always asked if I needed them to carry my ruck sack during trainings. Everyone assumed I was weak- that I could not bear the weight of my rank, or even the uniform. Oh boy there was fire- and it fueled me to beat the guys- but for the wrong reasons. I wanted to prove these people wrong- that a girl like me could be just as good as a guy twice my size. And here I was, 4 years later, “the boss” of 120 some cadets- male and female. 4 years later, I found my competition to be men, and no longer women. Then I met my husband (God has great timing).
I commissioned into the real Army and began leading real men (and women) into real-life training and deployment. While I may have accomplished my earthly, feministic goals- I was nowhere near happy, nor felt accomplished. So much of society today demands that women need to prove their value and strength. To who? For what? How’s that supposed to prevent my children from experiencing war? Accidents? Depression? The evils in the world that we actually need strength to fight against?
I don’t know about you, but I think I’ve “ruled” over many men in so many ways- and it did not affect an ounce of my self-worth or value. The ‘title’ of being the first or second female to be this or that in a “man’s Army” dissipated quicker than vapor. In fact, it was quite disheartening and humiliating to see these mens’ pride get crushed as I had to carry out disciplinary actions, teach men how to kill the enemy, or even shoot a weapon. None of it matters today, and it hasn’t even been 10 years.
I’m a wife and a mother- and both will matter 10, 50, 100, or even generations from today. Nothing. NOTHING fulfills my soul like loving, caring for, and encouraging my husband and my children. Step into a cemetery. How many tombstones do you see with their highest accomplishment engraved on them? Instead, you see who they were married to, who their children or parents were. People like to admit that family is everything. But how many of them actually mean it? My husband deserves my respect, and for him was why I was created (after God). Eve was created to help Adam, not to be a rival of Adam. Think about it– what bride thinks about scoring up to her husband while staring into his eyes at the altar?
Looking back, I was starving of ego, control, and pride more each day- permanently clenching my jaw. I wrestled with Ephesians 5:22 because my career depended on it. My marriage depended on it. My faith depended on it. Everything I did, I was underestimated because of my gender. Not only that, I thought being a submissive wife meant I had to be like my mom. Little did I see the whole picture of marriage- between a loving husband and a submissive wife. You can assume that I was one hard woman to bend. I thought submitting meant that I had no choice but to agree with whatever Rob says. Whatever decision he wants to make- that I need to follow. But you see, there’s so much more to submission than what our little brains suggest.
It’s about trust.
It’s about love.
It’s about faith.
It’s not about control, or who’s boss. You see, Eve ate the apple because she wanted to be like God. Centuries later, here we are ladies, trying to be like men. God designed the man to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Do you know what that means? That means husbands should love their wives regardless of their sassy attitude, rolling their eyes for not having superpowers like mind-reading, gossiping behind their back, and let’s not forget- P M S.
Please hear me on this one- you aren’t always easy to love. Nobody is. But God commands your husband specifically to love you anyway. That is not easy. But a faithful man will choose to love you through it all- and if that does not fix your eyes on the faithfulness between him and God- He with you-to trust your husband because you trust God, we got a problem.
My husband told me since our very first date that he cared about my holiness more than my happiness. The selfish part of me was discouraged- because I wanted my husband to make me happy. I struggled because I wanted my husband to support me in all that I ever desired. Pursue me endlessly so one day he can read my mind. I mean, what was I thinking?!
My goodness, co-dependence is the most disgusting poison my soul ever drank.
John Piper wonderfully put it:
“It is the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership. It is an attitude that says, “I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love. I don’t flourish when you are passive and I have to make sure the family works.” But the attitude of Christian submission also says, “It grieves me when you venture into sinful acts and want to take me with you. You know I can’t do that. I have no desire to resist you. On the contrary, I flourish most when I can respond creatively and joyfully to your lead; but I can’t follow you into sin, as much as I love to honor your leadership in our marriage. Christ is my King.”
Ladies, Ephesians 5 isn’t saying husbands can simply line-item veto God’s Word in favor of what they want to do. It’s about complementing your husband. A synonym to this word is harmony- God created Eve out of Adam so that the two will be in harmony, helping one another for God’s glory (not the husband’s). There are certain parameters when it comes to submitting to your husband- if he’s telling you to stay home and don’t make any friends, it’s clearly not in line with God’s word. One of many verses that tell us (men and women) is to fellowship: “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” – Matthew 18:20. This is why Proverbs 31 lays out the image of a virtuous woman. An honorable woman with a soul that’s squeaky clean. A virtuous woman can discern right from wrong- so no, she will not submit in a way that makes her less than honorable.
You see, God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Does he not ask all of us to love one another, consider each other more significant than ourselves- as Christ did? So why is it that we keep overlooking the fact that husbands are also serving their wives in ways that complement the marriage by loving them as Christ loved the church? Does your husband not put you above his own desires when he accepts his role to protect you? Loves you all over again after you’ve nagged him about the dishes or for not reading your mind correctly? You see, the way husbands serve their wives, and wives serve husbands is different, yet they both are in love. In fact, most women I know do not feel loved because their husbands let them wear the pants. As a matter of fact, the ones who ‘wear the pants’ seem pretty unsatiated year after year. Why? Most women feel loved when they feel protected, cared for, and accepted by their husbands. That’s what Jesus did for the church- and laid His life down to save the church (us). Most men, on the other hand, feel loved when they feel affirmed as a man, in their identity as the husband– not when or because their wives are their bodyguards.
Now, if you’re a woman of faith and your husband is not- this verse is still for you. What better way to woo your husband toward faith than showing him the love Jesus has given you despite his unbelief? To show him unconditional love that surpasses his understanding and expectations in moments when he’s expected to sleep on the couch. To serve him by treating him with respect in ways he hasn’t experienced before because of the absence of Godly figures in his life. The word ‘submit’ means to literally be under, not less, not weak, but under to be a helper in a compatible way. It means not invalidating him, especially in front of others. It means trusting his decision as a leader, while feeling empowered to give your own point of view. And isn’t this what we should all do with one another?
Ephesians 5 isn’t the only verse that we wrestle with- it’s practically the entire Bible! What other verses do you struggle with? There are many verses of the Bible I still struggle with, and I just might struggle with them for as long as I’m living. But I also accept that we’re sinful and struggle with our tendencies to be selfish. That doesn’t mean faith ends with doubt. But faith is not something created within us- we are called to contend for the faith He has given us: “contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints” (Jude: 3-4). So ladies, let’s unclench our jaws, relax our fists, embrace your femininity and know that He loves you. You are LOVED. You do NOT need to spend every dying breath trying to validate or prove yourself- you are the daughter of the Creator of this entire Universe. I already know that I can be strong- physically, mentally, spiritually, and even tactically. But I am most vulnerable when I am strong because I have a tendency to sin. I have a tendency to think all of those achievements were based on my own merit and efforts, which can crumble in an instant gulp of shame. So no, being strong isn’t the stairway to happiness, worth, or love. Let’s not worry about being a strong woman or a boss mom, but rather a virtuous woman who is so strong in her faith and grounded in her identity as a daughter of the King- that no status or identity on this Earth can waste her time away from the Lord.